I’ve decided who I’m voting for for president. Fred Thompson. No question. Now, I’m not voting for him for his straight talk. or for his clean background. Nor his down to earth manner. Although these are all praise worthy atributes. No, I’m voting for Fred dalton Thompson for one clear cut reason. i’ve seen his wife’s cleavage. Good night!

If Fred Thompson is elected president his wife will have the greates set of milk cartons in the history of Pennsylvania avenue. Finally all state dinners will have a built in Hooters waitress. Now, I don’t mean to belittle any previous first ladies. In the spirit of full disclosure I have to admit to practicing self love to the image of Laura bush. And Betty Ford with a few drinks in her was a firecracker. But i think it’s safe to say that Mrs. Thompson would be the first president’s wife that both republicans and democrats would equally like to give a spanking to. Now, as you’ve probably noticed I referred to her as “Mrs. Thompson”.

This is not a pathetic attempt to seem respectful. But I’m so busy looking at her body that I never bothered to catch her name. Besides, when you look like that the only two things you should be called are “sugar” and “dollbaby”. Consider the possibilities of a hot first lady. Wet t-Shirt contest in the Lincoln bedroom. Mud wrestling on the south lawn. And (dare I dream) Whip ‘em Out Wednesdays? (And don’t worry about copy right infringement. If you ease up FCC restrictions I’m sure Opie and Anthony will gladly let you use that name.) Now of course your going to run into some negative people. First off the media. Your going to have meatheads like Sean Hannity and Bill O’rielly up on high horses pontificating that she’s not dignified. (Of course we all know that behind the scenes that they’ll be thinking about her as they strum their grand old penises. This is where you miss Rosie O’Donnel on “The View”. She would take on look at Lady Thompson’s golden globes and immediately switch parties.) There is, I submit, one easy, foolproof way to get the media supporting her and her two big berthas. Lapdances.

I don’t care how hardened and serious a journalist is if “Amber” Thompson straddles them and rubs her prize winning cantaloupes down their torso’s their going to turn her into the new Betsy Ross. (The one journalist this won’t work on , of course, is Larry King. Larry looks like he hasn’t had an erection since V-J Day. With him it’s probably best to send a case of prune juice and keep your fingers crosssed. Another wet blanket would be the religious right. The religious right feels sex should only occur with proper partners. The proper partners being hookers, secretaries and altar boys. ( I always suspected ministers and priests of having a special edition of the bible that contained ten really cool commandments,) The best response to the religious right would be for Mrs. Thonpson to wear a crucifix that hangs right in her marvelous cleavage.

I’d like to see them try to say she was immmoral when she keeps Jesus so close to two beautiful creations. Of course another group that would have problems are the women’s rights groups. Or as I like to call them “The We Can’t get Laid So No One Else Should Have Any Fun Either Broads”. The women’s groups are going to say she’s only where she is because of her looks and she’s a homewrecker for breaking up Fred thompson’s first marriage. They happen to be right ,but since most of them look like James Gandolfini with a wig on, we can ignore them. The solution is to promise all these loudmouth harpies legislation that will give them their own free breast implants. Then tey’ll be so busy trying to sleep with guy’s who drive camaro’s, they’ll leave our beautiful first lady alone. In conclusion, I ask all of you to put aside your honest beliefs and convictions and vote for Fred thompson. And before you say I only like his wife because of her breasts. Not true. she also has a killer tushy. Lest anyone think I have a one track mind.

“Ed McGonigal is a comedian who can be heard on THE KIDD CHRIS RADIO SHOW”