It’s been well-documented that every four years, the Presidential election campaign has moved earlier and earlier. Back in the day, a week before the election, someone was just, like, “Oh, shit, Election Day is next week!” and then hurriedly threw together a debate or two before America decided on a candidate. (Seriously, that’s how we ended up with Warren G. Harding.) Campaigning for the 2008 nod, however, began the day after George W. Bush was re-elected in 2004. Maybe it’s because the candidates are so compelling, maybe it’s because we’re so sick of Bush, or maybe it’s because this season of “Entourage” has been so terrible – for whatever reason, there’s been more speculation about 2008, and earlier, than ever before.

I can hear you protesting now. “But I don’t care about 2008 yet – it’s the media shoving it down my throat!” True, perhaps…or are you subconsciously obsessing over it? With every little thing you do, you are making your preference for ’08 more and more obvious. And what, you ask, is the best predictor of who you will vote for? The answer may surprise you, but it’s actually what kind of deli meat you prefer in your sandwich. For example:

Ham – Mitt Romney. Like Mitt Romney, ham is appealing but also slimy. And Mormon. Also, ham’s favorite novel is “Battlefield Earth”. (Seriously, what’s up with that? I mean, apart from the whole Scientology thing, how hard is it to just say “Moby Dick”?)

Tongue – Hillary Clinton. Like Hillary, tongue is a love-it-or-hate-it lunchmeat. Some people swear by it. Others are repelled by it. Incidentally, it’s also the only cold cut that Bill Clinton refuses to put in his mouth.

Liverwurst – Mike Gravel. Nobody really knows what liverwurst is, and nobody knows who Mike Gravel is either. Just like tainted liverwurst may have to be recalled to China, Gravel could, at any moment, be recalled back to his home planet.

Dennis Kucinich – Tofurkey. Tofurkey is so unpopular, it’s actually polling below venison and “I’ll just have some Tic Tacs”.

John McCain – Roast beef. Hearty. Robust. All-American. Not sexy enough to win. McCain’s support for the war is like that metallic sheen that roast beef sometimes gets when it’s thinly sliced. It turns off people who might otherwise be intrigued.

Joe Biden – Pastrami. Come on, Joe. Pastrami is tasty, sure, but does it really have a shot at becoming America’s favorite sandwich meat? Does Delaware even exist, or is it just an imaginary tax shelter like the Cayman Islands?

Mike Bloomberg – Corned beef. Now we’re getting somewhere. Here’s an intriguing choice…after all, who doesn’t love a good corned beef sandwich from Carnegie Deli! Yeah, but…not every day. Nice try, Jew. See you at High Holiday services.

Fred Thompson – Bologna. As in, I don’t see it. Are we supposed to vote for him because he was on “Law and Order”? I mean, Wesley Clark was a late entry too, and nobody cared that he was a featured player on “To Catch a Predator”. (Editor’s note: Wesley Clark was never featured on “To Catch a Predator”.)

Rudy Giuliani – Salami. Salami is tough. It has a bit of a bite to it. You can imagine salami leading you into battle. Unfortunately, firefighters hate salami. Also, salami has been married three times, including once to its cousin (a marriage which produced salami’s retarded son, Genoa salami.)

Barack Obama – Prosciutto. Prosciutto is the flavor of the month. It’s sexy. Looks good in a suit, or on a pizza. Not sure if I trust that name though…are we really ready for a President Prosciutto?

John Edwards – Turkey. Turkey is non-threatening…everyone likes turkey! You know why? Because turkey cares about the poor. Also because turkey’s wife has cancer. That 0 haircut turkey got? Who cares? Those electric carving knives are expensive these days. I think we may have a winner!

Enjoy the election, and bon appetit!